my boring feelings

i often feel so misunderstood. and i think the reason for that is that i don't express myself very well a lot of the time. rather than just saying how i feel, i whine or skirt the issue, hoping other people will get the message. and i probably end up making light of the issue or confusing it, making it less likely that i'm getting my point across.

i'm trying to be better at expressing myself. but there's a self-conscious side of me that doesn't want anyone to know how i truly feel, worried that it would illuminate my crazy side and send people running. but i find that the more i try to hide my feelings, the more irrational and upset i feel.

in a nutshell, i feel disappointed. by almost everyone. my friends, my family, my coworkers, people on the street, everyone. i feel universally let down and overlooked. maybe i set my standards too high; maybe i expect too much of my friends. but i feel like i've been a good friend to so many that i deserve the same back. and i absolutely don't get it.

i think part of the problem is that i am so together in so many ways. i have a nice apartment, an awesome husband, two wonderful cats. perhaps from the outside it seems like i don't need much nurturing or attention from friends. and i truly wish that i didn't; how nice it would be to not care if so-and-so didn't return phone calls or whats-her-name never initiated making plans. but i am far too sensitive and obsessive to let it not get to me. i wish i could. my life would be far easier.

i don't know the answer. sometimes i just want to move away and not deal with anyone. or keep only superficial friendships and never get close to anyone. i suppose it's in my best interest to be more honest with myself and others about how i feel, but it scares me that i could possibly put myself out there and still be disappointed.